• Freddy Krueger-esque stripes.
• The thin, long neck of a giraffe.
• A smile that never fades.
• A jaw that barely moves.
• Animated arms that flail about.
• The height of a toddler with the appearance of a tween.
• She has an obsession with being human.
• …and worst of all, she also speaks in French.

Honestly… is there one aspect of this toy that doesn’t say “creepy”?

What exactly is causing all of this laughter? They say laughter is contagious, but usually something funny happens. Even the announcer can’t keep his chuckles at bay. I’m guessing because it’s yet another toy doesn’t come with batteries. Joke is on you, mom and dad.

Kids can now role-play “What Would Jesus Do?” for any playtime situation – be it dates with Barbie, killing bad guys with G.I. Joe, overpowering the X-Men with cool miracle powers or exorcising one of those creepy demonic toys from Spawn.

It’s funny… in the offensive sort of way that South Park is funny. But I’m not sure even Matt & Trey could have executed a way to whore Jesus as a plastic toy and sell it as an educational tool that your children would actually enjoy playing with.

And while we’re on the subject, toys are out. Video games are in. But this time around, stick it on the shelf in Best Buy with a Mature (or maybe “M” for Miracle?) rating and you’ll sell way more Jesus than this toy could ever hope to.

Look, there are very few situations where “Visa” and “Mastercard” should ever be in the same sentence as “Jesus”. And it’s usually when people open their credit card bills.

If I’m spending my hard-earned $20 bucks on a Jesus doll, I expect more than a boring linen robe and sandals. What kind of accessories do you think Jesus would come with and why?

Mr. Bucket is a fine creation of Milton Bradley in 1992. Here’s the jingle, it speaks for itself:

The Mr. Bucket Jingle:

I’m Mr. Bucket, toss your balls in my top

I’m Mr. Bucket, out of my mouth they will pop

I’m Mr. Bucket, we’re all gonna run

I’m Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun!

I’m Mr. Bucket, balls pop out of my mouth

I’m Mr. Bucket, a ball is what I’m about

I’m Mr. Bucket, we’re all gonna run

I’m Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun!

That said, it’s one of the better toys to come out in the 90′s. It’s covered in trendy fluorescent prints that all children in the 90′s deemed far superior to the more subtle hues today (unless we’re working in construction or being seen in traffic.)

Pretty much apart from this extra-excited commercial about a new form of ball, there’s nothing really unique about what you do with a Balzac. You kick, punch, and hit it like you would any other ball.

But, Balzac is still around. Even stranger than you could possibly believe, it looks like they’re now sales have been is low they’re just giving away this stuff for free? The official Balzac Website says “everything is free”.

But then the efforts to come up with new and innovative products for boys to squirt themselves with made a new and very strange turn.

Introducing the Oozinator, a plastic alien-movie-inspired pump action ooze chucker. You load up the cartridge of white sticky goo, pump the handle excitedly several times in a back-and-forth motion to fire splurts of white creamy fluid all over your unsuspecting friends.

They’ll be scarred for life, terrified of your goo-gun, but you’ll find this activity natural and awesome. At least for a couple years, and then I’m positive there will be discoveries of many creative new ways to vent this goo-squirting energy.

Troll Barbie.  Yes, really.  Did you ever think a 40 year old teenage-beauty queen would be so closely associated with a “troll”?  Nobody saw this one coming.

They don’t mean the ugly, rotten trolls that hide under bridges, waiting to eat children and harass passersby.  Mattel means those cute little trolls with the furry hair that became a brief fad every 15 years or so since the 60′s.  Barbie hops onto the troll trend by…well, getting really into trolls.

There’s not much fantasy or role-playing with this Barbie as is usual in most Barbie advertising, which makes many Barbies in the 1990′s uniquely different like that from eariler Barbie dolls.

Rappin’ Rockin’ Barbie was a whole lot of rappin’ and not a lot of rockin’.  She’s cool since she comes complete with the most happenin’ clothes – pink and green footwear, a black skirt and a big gold chain.  She comes with a tiny boombox that plays a bassless rap beat to groove to.  You can rap a song, too!