First, it’s incredibly simple. Dead simple. You don’t even have to be able to read to see what’s going on. It’s like someone’s silly Youtube video… made pre-YouTube, and even the most inept moron could figure out what is being sold and what the product is.

Secondly, they don’t anthropomorphize the cat into a speaking feline-devil. The “subtitles” interpret what many people would probably think their cat is saying, and associating your pet with Meow Mix as they are mewing incessantly to eat is brilliant.

Third, the commercial and jingle both fall perfectly in line with the “Meow Mix” brand name.

Fourth, said jingle is annoyingly catchy. You can’t possibly see this commercial on any given day, go to the store and spot “Meow Mix” without hearing meows in your head. And the lyrics couldn’t be more simple. Meow. Whoever wrote the Meow Mix jingle must have some relative connection to “The Song that Never Ends” and “Who Let the Dogs Out”, or any number of daycare children’s songs.

Purina, well done.

• Freddy Krueger-esque stripes.
• The thin, long neck of a giraffe.
• A smile that never fades.
• A jaw that barely moves.
• Animated arms that flail about.
• The height of a toddler with the appearance of a tween.
• She has an obsession with being human.
• …and worst of all, she also speaks in French.

Honestly… is there one aspect of this toy that doesn’t say “creepy”?

At a first glance, you would almost think this commercial would be a Public Service Announcement for the effects of improperly using skin care products on your face. But no, in actuality, Dermal Tone jumped right into human testing trials and they’re giving you a glimpse of the outcome in their little experiment to show you what Dermal Tone can do to half of your face.

Something is wrong though. Seriously wrong. And I think it has more to do with the left, stretchy elastic side. There’s a sneaking suspicion she’s not human at all; perhaps a terminator or a 90′s inspired fem-bot?

A simpler time, when all you had to do to preserve memories of Junior’s birthday party was to visit your local Walgreens to purchase and manage expensive rolls of film, take them to the store and pay for a tangible glossy photograph? A time when the risks of portraits mid-blink, moms in mid-sentence, and Uncle Joe’s pale face flushed out in the camera flash were simply the risks worth paying for.

These youth and their iPhones, Androids, and digital gobbly-guck are making things harder for the rest of us. Seriously, you have to plug in a cable to see your photos? You have to use your friggin’ printer? Kids these days and their button-pushing, multi-tasking, 21st century toys. Grandpa doesn’t care to learn such things. Retirement is practically designed for those trips to Walgreens to pick up developed film. “I just want to take photos,” says Grandpa.

Enter the Vivitar Film Camera, likely pulled out of Vivitar’s basement, dusted off and re-packaged as the senior friendly alternative to learning to use a PC.

While we’re at it, I think we need more regressive product advertising to bring back these simpler times. I can’t wait until Sony starts advertising their Walkman again – it’ll bring back fond memories of cassette tapes and the FM radio tuner, powered by non-rechargeable AA batteries with that little ribbon behind them so you can pop them out in case they die or get corroded. And VHS; let’s bring back the tapes… come on! Why all of these newfangled discs and “hard drives” now? My video collection looked far more impressive with those big fat plastic Disney boxes and plastic tapes large enough to use as an hors’ devours platter.

The “Shamwow Guy” is a producer and comedian named Vince Offer or “Vince Schlomi“. He produced a weak attempt at comedic film called “The Underground Movie” and hawked its DVDs through an infomercial with some success, selling some 50,000 copies of jokes about masturbating, farting, and pooping.

After a stint of suing Fox for stealing his ideas and then suing the Church of Scientology for basically, well, quitting their congregation, he decided he had the most success as an infomercial spokesperson and sought after a product more appealing to the masses than potty humor. And a new brand of cultural cheese was born for late night TV watchers to throw their money at.

The Shamwow Guy rode a wave of success on a pile of absorbent towels from 2007 to 2009, enjoying his new found fame and association with absorbent towels, until in 2009 he was arrested after punching a South Beach hooker who bit his tongue.

The end.

What exactly is causing all of this laughter? They say laughter is contagious, but usually something funny happens. Even the announcer can’t keep his chuckles at bay. I’m guessing because it’s yet another toy doesn’t come with batteries. Joke is on you, mom and dad.

Enter the Hawaii Chair – this product will electronically rotate your rear while at the office or at home. What better way to shed a few pounds off of the waistline while typing an email as your body gyrates on a rotating platform? It certainly doesn’t look near as annoying as, say, riding carnival rides while chatting with your boss, or surviving an earthquake while running reports.

From calling it a “Hawaii chair” to comparing this butt-rotator to Hula dancing, to looking like you’re about to fall out of your seat, to annoying your co-workers with the loud mechanical noises I’m certain this thing produces, and to convincing others this thing is actually producing any physical results – I’m not sure the Hawaii Chair or its advertising could be any more absurd.

Kids can now role-play “What Would Jesus Do?” for any playtime situation – be it dates with Barbie, killing bad guys with G.I. Joe, overpowering the X-Men with cool miracle powers or exorcising one of those creepy demonic toys from Spawn.

It’s funny… in the offensive sort of way that South Park is funny. But I’m not sure even Matt & Trey could have executed a way to whore Jesus as a plastic toy and sell it as an educational tool that your children would actually enjoy playing with.

And while we’re on the subject, toys are out. Video games are in. But this time around, stick it on the shelf in Best Buy with a Mature (or maybe “M” for Miracle?) rating and you’ll sell way more Jesus than this toy could ever hope to.

Look, there are very few situations where “Visa” and “Mastercard” should ever be in the same sentence as “Jesus”. And it’s usually when people open their credit card bills.

If I’m spending my hard-earned $20 bucks on a Jesus doll, I expect more than a boring linen robe and sandals. What kind of accessories do you think Jesus would come with and why?