The Original “Real Life” Burger King is Just as Terrifying As you Think He Is Now

1970s, Restaurants 0 1258
Before we begin, I must remind you that this commercial was released in 1978, meaning this is the product of those on a steady diet of mind-altering substances from the late 1960’s, now with children of their own. It’s time to share the whimsy of their fantastical LSD trips to sell some burgers!

Now, to fill you in on the terrifying story: the true original Burger King was a kind, bumbling cartoon character akin to Capt n’ Crunch. This abomination, born in 1978, is the result of a little girl who painted him on the side of her cardboard clubhouse with lead-based voodoo paint that she found in a McDonald’s Happy Meal.

This monster kidnaps the children, by teleporting them to the nearest Burger King where he leads them in ritualistic song and dance, ‘disses the authority’s tie, and then demonstrates how he’s going to put every Burger King employee out of business through his magical preparation of fine Burger King foods.

Keep in mind, too, that these aren’t just ordinary cheeseburgers. Oh, no. They’re the singing kind. And what do you think these vocalizing burgers will do the second you clamp your hungry maw around them? Go silently?

About the author / 

Adam

Adam is an enigma, folded gently into dough, wrapped inside of cellophane, and hidden on the top shelf where he peers at passersby. He lives in Portland, OR with his wife and two dogs.

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