Now, to fill you in on the terrifying story: the true original Burger King was a kind, bumbling cartoon character akin to Capt n’ Crunch. This abomination, born in 1978, is the result of a little girl who painted him on the side of her cardboard clubhouse with lead-based voodoo paint that she found in a McDonald’s Happy Meal.
This monster kidnaps the children, by teleporting them to the nearest Burger King where he leads them in ritualistic song and dance, ‘disses the authority’s tie, and then demonstrates how he’s going to put every Burger King employee out of business through his magical preparation of fine Burger King foods.
Keep in mind, too, that these aren’t just ordinary cheeseburgers. Oh, no. They’re the singing kind. And what do you think these vocalizing burgers will do the second you clamp your hungry maw around them? Go silently?