The Talking Jesus Doll

2000s, Toys 0 584

Hey kids! For the low price of $19.99, you can role-play “What Would Jesus Do?” during Barbie’s dates, the violent exploits of G.I. Joe, and demonstrate superiority of miracles over X-Men, He-Man, and the rest of the hyphenated toy box crew! Certainly there are a few creepy demonic toys from Spawn in there that could use a classic Biblical exorcism and run themselves right into the gaping maw of your dog.

If my child takes their toys as seriously as the boy in this commercial, I’d only give him a baseball and a stick, lest his morals be swayed by the misanthropic misgivings of Skeletor or the jaunty and flirtatious promiscuity of Barbie. And replace the batteries on a weekly basis if possible, because it’s anyone guess how Junior’s wild imagination will interpret the recording preachings of his fetish when Jesus himself becomes possessed.

There are very few situations where “Visa” and “Mastercard” should ever be in the same sentence as “Jesus”. These situations are as follows: 1) televised evangelism and 2) when you open your credit card bill.

Here’s a quick lesson in 21st century consumerism: Toys are out. Video games are the future of fun. Jesus needs a Playstation reboot as the ultimate protagonist for his own video game. Stick it on the shelf in Best Buy with a Mature (“M” for Miracle) rating with a flag, a Bible, and a gun on the cover and you’ll sell way more blasphemy to America than this toy could ever hope to realize.

(Note: Please forgive the crappy audio. The only version of this commercial found at the time was posted in fast-forward and we’ve slowed it down so you can understand it.)

About the author / 

Adam

Adam is an enigma, folded gently into dough, wrapped inside of cellophane, and hidden on the top shelf where he peers at passersby. He lives in Portland, OR with his wife and two dogs.

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